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I am so sick! Just a couple days before I leave to Boston… and I cannot sleep! But I’ve gone to the doctor, and I’m drugged up...... SoooOOo…. I’ve been reading other posts… Old posts. Posts from when I first met Quijote and then started dating him. It’s been fun. I'm feeling romantic tonight. Should I write a disclaimer? Hm.... Nah.
It was a good time, college. Maybe that’s because my blogs sound a lot like movies, where characters don’t really need sleep or toilets and seem to just have a social life. LoL. Completely unrealistic…. Yep: Beautifully, absently, yet idealizing(uh, ly?) unrealistic. And I probably still sound a lot like I did back then, but wow… it’s easier to recognize it from a distance. In a way, I like it. I liked that touch of fresh and open idealism and optimism Quijote had back then. I fell in love with that. It was shameless and brave.
It’s strange how relationships change as we change, and how they change us. On my end, at least, that has been the case. What started out as something crazy but uplifting, something magical and exciting, has evolved into something surprisingly solid and …well, old even... I feel like we’re an old couple sometimes, when I do or say something subconsciously and realize it’s come from an amazingly deep knowledge of how he thinks or functions. Or when we’re on IM and I realize that he knows that he should put something into words, even though I already know it or understand it, just because I appreciate him saying it or because I react to it in a specific way. I read in one of my posts that I was worried about not knowing if he’d really wanted to go to a certain restaurant… hehe… cute.
I suppose that after all, we did change a bit. Q is not shamelessly brave anymore. He’s still, of course, Quijote, idealistic and willing to battle to death ---but much more cautious about the causes. He is adaptably, intelligently, competently brave. And though I’d like to think I’m a bit lighter at heart, I’ve become aware that maybe I feel that way only when I don’t really care. All lightness of heart can disappear in a moment’s realization…. to be replaced by either insight or apprehension. Things become heavy and complicated. And I don’t like it. Looking back, I -at the moment- prefer my past careless self. My young, naïve(er) self who appreciated new friends much easier and kept her old buddies close to heart. I like her because she enjoyed life better. And she believed in all the values of Quijotesque belief. But she also lived in that same idyllic, unrealistic world. She didn’t have to worry about the things I have to worry about now. Perhaps I am, like Q, better prepared and more adaptable for the future as I am now…. who knows. Life maintains its liquid motion… continuous and changing, splashy and surprising. It’s a little bit rocky out there sometimes, but it doesn’t matter. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with a little black magic. Self-invented magic. Re-invented magic. Plain, and even overly visited magic worlds are always still magnetic forces in our memories… they just never rust.