Where does time go?

A lot has happened since I last wrote, not much of it good. Maybe it's just my mood right now...
Q and I visited my grandparents on my fathers side for Spring Break. It was stressful for me (something always happens when I visit and my grandma will stop talking to me for months) but thankfully it all went well. I am very glad we went and visited -Q had never met her or Grandpa Joe, and this visit turned out to be the last time I ever saw my grandpa. He passed away last Saturday, early in the morning. Everybody is at peace -he had been sick with cancer for many years and though it wasn't excruciatingly painful for him till the very last two weeks (like that's not enough anyway), it had been a long, difficult period, close to seven years, and he really needed to rest. It IS good for him to finally be at peace, but I can't bring myself to being okay with someone being gone, especially someone who took the place of a biological grandfather I never met. He's gone. He'd been gone for a couple years, really - the cancer and the Alzheimer's took so much from him. He didn't remember me the last time I saw him. We were never close -he was married to my grandmother for a little longer than 10 years but his health was quickly diminished to the point that travel became an impossibility for them, and we would only see them when we visited. Thankfully he remembered Grandma up until the end. And he was still so wonderfully social, so happy to have us around him, singing and telling jokes. I can't believe he's really really gone.

Time has gone by fast. I am on my 5th month of my pregnancy. I have not yet learned to enjoy it. I wish I could, but I'm afraid I won't ever be able to. I feel like I'm someone else. I don't look like me, or feel like me, nor can I do the things I've always liked to do. I feel tired or sick all the time and I still can't eat normally -nothing tastes the same. I've discovered extra dry spots all over my body... I feel so yucky. I can't feel our baby move, I don't feel a special connection to him or her (WHERE is my motherly instinct??!!) ... and I've been so horribly depressed most of the time, I must be transmitting all kinds of terrible feelings to our poor child. I'm always down. I feel lonely and bored and like I'm living without a purpose. With no goals for myself, no friends, no family, with nothing important to do. Ever. Just cleaning after everyone -maybe doing a little calligraphy- and siting around waiting for Q to come home after a tiring and stressful day at school (and then of course he falls asleep, like he is now) and even when he's awake he's tired and wanting to relax at home and nothing happens and we go nowhere. It's also because of me. I'm also usually void of energy and fall asleep easily. At the most we take a walk. We usually just watch TV.

I'm just waiting around, I guess, for the next thing. To me the future has always held a promise for change. I can't wait till we're back in Lawrence. I'll miss our church. It was my one source of social and spiritual relief. But the rest of the week will be more bearable. At least there are coffee shops there where I can read and work on my art or even just hang out, like I used to. So I won't feel like I'm stuck at home with absolutely nothing to do and no one to talk to. And I definitely can't wait till we have our baby, till I can hold him/her in my arms and suddenly truly know what this was all for. I also have high hopes for the year after. Hopefully we will move somewhere where the alternative to boredom isn't a temporary $7.25/hr job. Maybe I'll be able to go back to school or back to doing something productive, something related to my degrees.

Despite all my complaints, I know I should be able to use this time more productively. I will finish the calligraphy jobs I have right now and then I'll sit down and think of how to make this work. I have another year to go --and a baby on the way. It's good to vent but I also need to get back on top of the ball.