Borrón y cuenta nueva

So yesterday was the Jewish new year, and today, when the moon comes out, Ramadan will start. A new beginning and a time fore spiritual journey. I've been doing a lot of reading the past few days, and as usual, the readings have made quite an impact on me. I wonder sometimes if my worldview is beautifully fluid or stupidly unstable. In any case, my perception of reality seems to transform and adjust every time new knowledge comes to me, and this makes me think that perhaps no belief at all is sustainable, and therefore worth to be kept. An occasional, but remarkably disturbing idea.
But then I realize that this cannot be true. Whether I have enough wisdom and knowledge to assimilate it as it is or not, reality can only be one. Either the world is flat, or it is round; God either exists, or he doesn’t. Either a belief is sustainable, or it’s not. And since reality is one, there must be one true notion of it. And I am left with the only hope that the changes in my belief system are evolutionary.
They normally do feel like they are. But it is the process in between the change from a specific principle to another that I find myself in danger. Perhaps this is that gray area that Jesus talks about so much in the Gospels… that ambiguous place in human consciousness that lies right after a major challenge, that shallow spot where you cannot find your true belief. When in doubt, I should simply not act. But if I do have to do something, if a decision has to be made, then I do as I wish… not as I believe I should. I do what I think is best for me, not what is right. And more often than not, the right thing to do would have been a much more beneficial option for me…
So what do I do if I’m in doubt, if I cannot find the answer and I have no time to make a choice? Does one let the chance go by, or does one make a choice? Will I have a choice later on if I let this one go? Is there a rule, or does it depend on the situation? Damn… I want to be a kid again… I want to be able to believe blindly, to trust the way I used to…

Life makes that a little hard on me sometimes. I didn’t sleep last night. In fact, I should be studying right now, not trying to figure the world out… not trying to see what my role in it is… but I can’t… I have responsibilities, I have to get things done, I have to make sure people get things done. I have to do things when people don’t get them done… how do you guys say it? The show must go on. Life isn’t gonna stop and wait for me to think things through… and in a way, I’m glad it doesn’t. I need that challenge. Maybe I’ve had too many do-overs. I’ve started all over again too many times.

I had a terribly stressful meeting on Friday. It was my DOP, my Chapter Director. I’m the chapter president this year, and despite the chapter’s great performance, alumni still complain, still worry, still question. And apparently, I am fully, entirely accountable to this chapter director, who has the obligation of going to just one chapter meeting… who hasn’t been to one chapter event. It makes me mad, and to be honest, it did put me in a defensive mood. I remained polite, though even if a little firm. And I must admit that despite the unfairness of the alumni-undergraduate situation, the chapter’s director is trying to help. I do think that it takes more than a simplistic “I’m-in-power” attitude to be a leader. I do not respect uninvolved alumni, but I’m trying to see her questioning as a rough, but honestly concerned attempt to become involved. So I’ll give her a chance. But man, I’m really not liking it…

I don’t always have a problem with authority. Not if I respect the leader, not if I see the leader’s intentions of helping and guiding. Sometimes leadership does not even come along with authority. Sometimes it’s a sincere attempt to point someone into the right direction. Like a guy who has been in a relationship for a long time approaching a friend who is just starting a relationship. Like a nonpretentious girl coming to you asking if you need someone to talk to. Like an alumni offering to help you organize an event. Well... come to think about it, I it is leadership I have no problem with. Perhaps authority has a whole other meaning to it.

I’ve been too busy for it to be healthy. But I’m going home this weekend… which will relieve stress but will make me even busier. Sometimes things like that make no sense, and you still know what the right option is. I wish I had such a love for my vocation that I knew what I want to do with my life, even if it didn’t make sense. I miss my family so terribly. I miss my old self.

That’s one of the things I like about my relationship with Ryan. It has helped me remember the person I really am. It has taken me back to the willingness to do things right, even if it doesn’t always happen that way. I haven’t seen Ryan since Sunday. He is a little sick, and I am going crazy with midterms and papers and church and Alpha Psi. I miss him a little bit, but not seeing me has for some reason made it seem less of a surreal experience. I’m a little scared. Last time I thought a guy was too good to be true… well, he was too good to be true. And what will I do when school ends? What if I have to leave? But despite all the questions I always ask, I’m excited about it too… want to see where all of this takes us. I want to enjoy his company, and really get to know him better.