Responsable, yo?

I am going crazy. Now please, don't get me wrong. I am perfectly aware of how blessed I am. I am a free, happy, healthy person. Life for me is difficult in a whole different way: responsibility.

Responsible... I am responsible for my education, for my family, for leaving a mark on this world... precisely because I am so blessed, I am to be held accountable for what I do with my gold coins. What should I do with them? Am I doing the right thing? when my responsibilities seem to clash, am I going the right way? ... am I being a good sister, living so far away and missing my little siblings' most important years of their development? Or am I being true to God's calling for my life by remaining strong and staying where he has put me? Am I being strong by remaining the president of a fraternity, even though I cannot always give it my 200%, or am I proving weak by not giving my college career the importance it deserves and spending too much time elsewhere? Should I take a more active role in VCM, like I did before? Am I forgetting the importance of my personal goals, or am I doing the right thing in thinking of others when taking decisions? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I being responsible, or am I stretching it? Am I going crazy, as I say, or am I simply avoiding the problem?

This is my last year of college. I have learned so much these past four years. And yet I cannot help wonder if I have met the goal. How well have I done? Have I been the Christian, the friend, the leader, the sister, the daughter, the girlfriend, the fraternity member, the co-worker, the person I told myself (and others) I would be ? Will I leave this place knowing I've made it a better place by having been here? Oh gosh... will I leave this place at all?

Responsible... me? I feel so terribly lost sometimes... so far away from my true self, so far away from my faith, from my personal standards, from that part of me that knows exactly what that Voice is telling her... from that person who hears God's voice and is strong enough to obey it, even when it hurts. How did I end up loosing my balance, how did my feet leave the rock and stepped into the sand? how did I start doubting, how did I start questioning God? how did I stop painting and drawing and writing...? how did I start concealing things from Mom and Dad? when did I stop reading the Bible, and praying for my family, and going to church on a constant basis, and openly learning from others? where did I go? where should I go from here?

I have so much to think about... so many decisions to make, so much to do, I have promises to keep, things to learn. and I have to admit, as simple as all of this might seem, it's these questions that make me hide... but no. I need to get to work. I need to stop the laziness..

... I've been floating... somewhere in between Sunday services, people, and school...

...it has always taken me a while to wake up...