Well, I'm supposed to be sleeping, but I can't, as usual, after such a crazy day... that and I'm hungry for some reason (and snack-less, quite regretfully), despite the Wendy's chicken sandwiches my "twenty-something with a significant other" (as his father called him and his siblings in one of his bog’s comments) and I had a few hours ago... so I’m back to my computer, as I do whenever I have insomnia, and since I’m not the innate web-surfer my boyfriend seems to be, I simply tend to write, after reading and browsing for a bit… and so, here it goes:
*** Family: Dad and Misi (Misael, my brother) were playing paintball on Friday. Dad called me that same night to check on me and to let me know he had been sown… he has four stitches in his arm. I told him I don’t know crazier people than them two… he only laughed… and I just had to overcome that little chill, and take it as a joke too. Boys will be boys… Dads will be dads… and to a point… jeje… dads will be boys too.
Mom talked to me after him, just to make fun of him, which of course, was her way of relieving stress. You see, in my family, Mom and I are the calm, tempered ones. The rest of our family says we’re cold. I think we’re not. We’re pretty warm, we just have unusual ways of showing it. We’re the care-takers, the responsible ones. Mom’s the person in charge of finances, the one who’s always on top of the ball, the strict one. Strong character. I’m the strict sister too… but I’m also the one who makes them learn Psalms, and Bible verses, and poetry, and reads with them at night, and taught them how to ride their bike, and how to dress up, and how to connect the Play Station… and I miss them every minute of the day. Dad has a warm, sweet, character. He’s the one to go to when you need special permissions (he’ll most likely say yes, unless there’s something horribly wrong with what you’re asking). He’s the one with the jokes, with the fun questions, with the good memory when it comes to friends. But still, I think it is Mom that I go to when I need a confidante. Sarai and Misael are both quick-tempered, but have learned to take control of their character. I admire that in them. they’ve learned to be considerate, to open up… and they are both incredibly smart. I think they’re also a good looking pair, if I may say so. Abi (I call her “Cositas”) is my baby girl. Ok, so she’s not a baby anymore. But she is her sweet, caring self, and she always will be. She’s the one her friends go to for advice, the one other girls used to choose as a Mom when they played house. Sarai (she won’t accept my “Saris”) is married and expecting her first baby. She and her husband have been working on their new home forever, and I wonder if they will be able to get it ready by the time the baby comes. It’s going to be a boy, we think, so far. I’m going to be an aunt!!
*** School: went to see my advisor this Friday …
… and realized I could have graduated with a 3.6-3.8. but… I won’t, mainly because I chose not to do the pass/fail option for my science courses.. and now I have two Cs in my transcript… and they have really done a lot of damage, much more than I thought I would… and now I’ll be getting a 3.4- 3.5, if I do really well both semesters this year. All As and Bs… and two Cs… who would have thought?!?
The good news are, as it turned out be, that I can “petition” for two classes I’ve taken to count as perspectives, and if that happens, I'll be taking 16 hours (as opposed to 22). The hope of a less stressful semester does calm me a little bit. But then I wonder how easy of a semester it will be, nevertheless, if I'll be taking 15 hours of advanced literature... and no religion courses, as I thought I would. I just really hope it won’t be 22... wish me luck... sniff… the paperwork at this school is simply never-ending… a circle that won’t ever close… a 2000 pg book… a horrifying maze… hehe…. ay Dios!
Classes so far… well, I have two essays due at the beginning of next week, so I’ll be working all day tomorrow. I read all day today… and I forgot to have dinner yesterday (yeah… I was reading)… and I haven’t caught up with school yet… well, I did, and then I got behind again. Every time I get two or three concurrent essays, I end up getting a little behind in my readings… and so it happens, I am forever stressing out about my work schedule. The agenda doesn’t work when you are not able to keep up with it.
I have a full day, so I don’t usually get to see the boy until late at night. I get out of my last class at 8 on Mon Weds, and I don’t get out of chapter till 9 on Thursdays, and I was reading until 8pm today, I think.
Applications: AGH!! Back to the darn education system… combine that with the immigration problem… with politics… with … agh… complete and total disrespect for people, simply on the basis of nationality. DAMN IT! Nationality influences a person’s cultural, social, and perhaps even educational identity, but for the life of me… it DOES NOT AFFECT ONE’S PROFESSIONAL IDENTITY!! I will develop my professional career here or in Mexico or in Spain or in South America, and whatever I do for a living, whether I work in a middle school or an elementary school, and whether it’s at home or not, my work will be done with excellence, and I am convinced that I will contribute to that place’s education level. I'm offended. I, like most educators, have NOT made my professional choice based on the prospect of an affluent life-style. I am moved by a personal need to serve. I am here because this is the ministry I’ve been called to. Because I love to do what I do, because it’s such a huge part of me, because it’s the greatest profession of all. And no, I won’t sign that application. I will not pledge to go back to my country as soon as I finish grad school. I won't sign because I might stay. Because perhaps, even though I’d earn more in Mexico right now than I would here if I were to stay, perhaps I will decide to stay and help my people. There is so much to do here, so much to change. There is so much to change in this entire continent! Our education system is inneffective and socially inconstant... all over (this is it's one constant!) Perhaps I will go to South America. I might return home. Or I maybe I will go to Mexico City and work with SEP. But whether I stay or leave, I will not sign. I find this irrespectful, and I defend my right to choose where I wish to live and work. If Immigration has decided I am a valuable student/worker, why will a University show me the door? If there’s such a terrible need for educators, and if the need for bilingual educators is even greater, I am at a loss for words. I find no true defense or explanation. How can they send much needed teachers back? How can they tell a potential student that they must filter out those who use this univerity for non-professional goals? I am offended, and I will not sign. Much rather go even farther away from home to continue studying… I can go to Kansas, or Boston, or Mexico City… or if it came down to it, I’d much rather not continue studying... or go back to Spain. I will not sign.
Ok… so I have nothing but complaints about school… I have very serious problems with the education system… but I will stop …on to more pleasant topics!
*** So the boy… the boy has been my solace all this time. Sometimes I wonder if he knows all that’s going through this head of mine… he can read my emotions perfectly well, though. He finds words to my thoughts, when I can’t seem to explain myself… and he surprises me every time… I wonder if he knows that he is just as complex to me as I must be to him… and his sense of humor… gosh, his sense of humor is so different from mine! … I am convinced he has a lot more fun than me.
I’ve also found he has a rather interesting thought life. I think that unlike me, he does not express half his feelings… or his thoughts. Politeness should be somewhat (I repeat: somewhat) overpowered by friendship. I’m still wondering if he really wanted to go to that restaurant… and I’m glad he kicks me out, despite all my growling, and sends me back to studying each time.
So I can’t call him by his name, given that his brother’s reasons (safety and reserve) for anonymity are shared by the boy and by the rest of his friends and family… and I don’t know what to call him. In the future, I might use Quijote, the nickname he uses for his blog posts and comments. And of course, I’ll use “the boy” … and “Minino” (Cat), if the occasion permits -- he has called me “Ardilla” (Squirrel) and both Spanish nicknames came about because of a strange conversation we had one night when he was taking me home… we have deduced it is the squirrels’ mafia that owns this campus… SMU… get it? … hehe… I did say it had been a strange conversation… We enjoy this stuff… hehe… the greatness of simplicity …
He has a great group of friends. Val, nos estan ganando… jeje… cuidado que son mas!! I can see they love each other so much. They’ve made such a positive impression on me. Perhaps I’ve made some mistakes in my judgment of this society… and I am so glad to see that!!!
So Quijote and I went to the Dallas Museum of Arts two weekends ago. I had a blast. Hehe… but I’m afraid he didn’t enjoy the… vanguard art… or how should I call it? I am absolutely sure they’ve named this kind of performances… but in any way, this type performance is a very modern approach to theater arts, and I would say that what we saw that night was in essence beautiful and striking. No, not terrible. It was genius. It was a very astonishing mix of poetry, every-day life situations and wording, and a very musical, mathematical ordering of motions and use of the stage. The way they used the space, and their very scant props, and the degree of emotion in their corporal motions and in their facial expressions…I enjoyed the lyrical beauty of it, even the satirical wit of it… I enjoyed every minute of it. I thought it was rare and beautiful.
Like what we have.
Lol… I am amazed at how people’s experiences are so different, even when the object of experience is the same… talk about Chistology… lol… tell this to the Jesus Seminar!! Ay… that’s a whole other story…
*** Friends…. VAL IS MOVING TO MCALLEN!!! Good Lord… how far is that from here??? She’s going to live there for 6 or 7 months… all hopes of her coming here are gone, but I am very, very happy for her. She emailed me today to tell me about it, and I was so glad to hear from her, and to see she had been able to make a choice, and that she sounded so at peace with it… hehe… she said she’s psychologically preparing herself for the “trip” … I think it’s her mother who’s gonna need a visit to the psychologist after this one… lol… Val has never left home, and she’s been her entire family’s emotional support all this time. I think it very healthy for her to give them some space, some space for them to learn to deal with decisions and hardships without her. And a break from all of it for her. Val, you deserve this, and they need it, as terrible as it might sound. Besides, hehe.. you’ll be doing some learning too… I’ve always wondered how good of a cook you could possibly be… lol…
*** Room and board. The boy doesn’t like his apartment as much as he liked living with his ex roommate. I don’t know if it’s the fact that the kitchen is too small, or that the stove had a gas leak at the beginning of the semester, or if it’s because the place is old… I don’t know if it’s any of this, or if he really just misses the comfort of brotherly company. I realized how not-at-home I feel in my own room sometimes. I must share space, light, time, mess, noise, and even my personal life, with four girls. It’s very nice girls, that’s not the problem (although I do miss Aleks, my ex-roommate, and one of my best friends). I’m grateful they’re all so much fun and so considerate. With the exception of my preference of warm weather and my roommate’s need of a 60 degree room temperature, I’ve had no problems with them at all. I just miss having some privacy… feeling like it makes a difference if I clean up… doing a little nestling, making the place look a little more like me.
So I end up pestering the boy… and my friends… and spending lots of time at the Hughes Trigg commons…
And staying up till 3am blogging because I cannot sleep… hehe… naw… that’s just me. I just don’t sleep much…
I’ll go to bed, though… I can think some more in there… I’ll have to kick my roommates’ friends out… I figure if I start getting ready and get in bed, they’ll feel uncomfortable enough to go… hehe. I have to explain though: this is not a normal thing, her bringing people over this late. And they came in bc I wasn’t sleeping. I was already here, writing away… and I feel bad... they're having some serious bonding time... maybe they'll continue in the lobby? my head hurts a little... and I'm still mad at this school and at the education system. ok… enough writing… lol… good night…
domingo, octubre 30, 2005
jueves, octubre 27, 2005
Pase lo que pase...
So much is going on lately...
The car is finally working. It's been quite a fun experience. After struggling with the darn thing for two days, I took it to the shop where I usually go for more complicated problems. I asked they guy if he knew of a place where I could pay to get it done. He said he'd do it for me, that it was the simplest thing on earth. I suppose it is, since it took him five minutes. God, I felt so terribly bad. Me, always saying I can do things on my own, always saying I don't need a guy to do things for me. I had to ask for help... to do "the simplest thing on earth." But well, it's done. And the guy also checked the breaks, just to make sure the noise I've been hearing didn't come from some other problem. He said the car was in great condition.... well, I sure hope it really is... after all this trouble. Dad said I'm supposed to change the oil early Nov. So I shouldn't have to think about that car of mine for another week. Thank God.
Called Dad yesterday. It was nice hearing from him. He had all sorts of questions. Graduation, grad school, the boy, some other calls I was supposed to make, other things I was supposed to take care of.... turns out I'm doing fairly good. I went through the list, and came out spotless... did it all, people! Can't imagine having to deal with real life. I am starting to think I am not as ready for real life as my friends and family keep telling me I am. I have to admit, I am terribly scared.
Pero bueno, que pase lo que vaya a pasar. Venga, que lista o no, siempre salgo a flote!
I miss my family and my friends terribly. I talked to Val yesterday. Gosh... I was wishing we were at Limoneros... drinking coffee, eating crepes... talking away... I need girl time very badly. She might move from El Paso very soon. I hope wherever she goes, she'll be able to visit more often. I can't wait to be financially stable, so I can make a trip or two as well. We had entertained the idea of her moving in with me, but she has to go where the jobs are. I am so glad she is getting so many offers. Her voice was light and happy, and it sounded so much more like her. Well, never mind. Val will always be Val. And I miss spending time with her... going out, staying at home, talking about ridiculous stuff or trying to theorize the world to pieces. We have decided to start a school together. That has always been my dream. A school of my own where I could put my little ideological theories into practice. A real school... where people can learn to learn...
Mi abuelo está mucho mejor. Sigue preocupado por mis tíos, pero se siente mejor. Mis primos han estado visitando un poco más de lo normal, y creo que eso le hace muchísimo bien. No quiero aceptarlo, pero mi abuelo empieza a dar señales de vejez. Una pequeña espinita que se le ha enterrado a mi Mamá, y que no me he a dejado dormir por varias noches... sigo pensando, tratando de convencerme... cómo es posible tener raíces en dos lugares tan remotos? Cómo dividirme en dos?
Isa viene pronto!! Visita Chicago el 26 de diciembre... y adivinen a quién le han dado permiso de viajar en plenas vacaciones de invierno??? A mí, señores, a mí!! Estoy que exploto de la emoción. Estoy seguro que si alguno de uds. le conociese a ella o a mis chicos anglos hispano-hablantes, les sería imposible no quererles. Mis amigos son pocos, pero verdaderos. Les veo pronto, chicos, muy pronto!
My friend Julie is in LA. She posted a little message on my facebook profile today. Or at least I saw it today. I realized how much I miss her. A veces me pregunto cómo es que nunca logré hacer amistad con ellas. Bueno, con Julie si, pero las demás? Somos tan iguales, y tan diferentes. Tenemos un amor por el Señor en común... será la cultura? será que tengo una teología distinta? Será cuestión de personalidad? No logro entender como es que agradándome tanto, no lograron ser amigas... tres años, y no les conozco como debería...
Well.. gotta go... my fraternity brothers are going to a fancy dinner and I´m their ride...
The car is finally working. It's been quite a fun experience. After struggling with the darn thing for two days, I took it to the shop where I usually go for more complicated problems. I asked they guy if he knew of a place where I could pay to get it done. He said he'd do it for me, that it was the simplest thing on earth. I suppose it is, since it took him five minutes. God, I felt so terribly bad. Me, always saying I can do things on my own, always saying I don't need a guy to do things for me. I had to ask for help... to do "the simplest thing on earth." But well, it's done. And the guy also checked the breaks, just to make sure the noise I've been hearing didn't come from some other problem. He said the car was in great condition.... well, I sure hope it really is... after all this trouble. Dad said I'm supposed to change the oil early Nov. So I shouldn't have to think about that car of mine for another week. Thank God.
Called Dad yesterday. It was nice hearing from him. He had all sorts of questions. Graduation, grad school, the boy, some other calls I was supposed to make, other things I was supposed to take care of.... turns out I'm doing fairly good. I went through the list, and came out spotless... did it all, people! Can't imagine having to deal with real life. I am starting to think I am not as ready for real life as my friends and family keep telling me I am. I have to admit, I am terribly scared.
Pero bueno, que pase lo que vaya a pasar. Venga, que lista o no, siempre salgo a flote!
I miss my family and my friends terribly. I talked to Val yesterday. Gosh... I was wishing we were at Limoneros... drinking coffee, eating crepes... talking away... I need girl time very badly. She might move from El Paso very soon. I hope wherever she goes, she'll be able to visit more often. I can't wait to be financially stable, so I can make a trip or two as well. We had entertained the idea of her moving in with me, but she has to go where the jobs are. I am so glad she is getting so many offers. Her voice was light and happy, and it sounded so much more like her. Well, never mind. Val will always be Val. And I miss spending time with her... going out, staying at home, talking about ridiculous stuff or trying to theorize the world to pieces. We have decided to start a school together. That has always been my dream. A school of my own where I could put my little ideological theories into practice. A real school... where people can learn to learn...
Mi abuelo está mucho mejor. Sigue preocupado por mis tíos, pero se siente mejor. Mis primos han estado visitando un poco más de lo normal, y creo que eso le hace muchísimo bien. No quiero aceptarlo, pero mi abuelo empieza a dar señales de vejez. Una pequeña espinita que se le ha enterrado a mi Mamá, y que no me he a dejado dormir por varias noches... sigo pensando, tratando de convencerme... cómo es posible tener raíces en dos lugares tan remotos? Cómo dividirme en dos?
Isa viene pronto!! Visita Chicago el 26 de diciembre... y adivinen a quién le han dado permiso de viajar en plenas vacaciones de invierno??? A mí, señores, a mí!! Estoy que exploto de la emoción. Estoy seguro que si alguno de uds. le conociese a ella o a mis chicos anglos hispano-hablantes, les sería imposible no quererles. Mis amigos son pocos, pero verdaderos. Les veo pronto, chicos, muy pronto!
My friend Julie is in LA. She posted a little message on my facebook profile today. Or at least I saw it today. I realized how much I miss her. A veces me pregunto cómo es que nunca logré hacer amistad con ellas. Bueno, con Julie si, pero las demás? Somos tan iguales, y tan diferentes. Tenemos un amor por el Señor en común... será la cultura? será que tengo una teología distinta? Será cuestión de personalidad? No logro entender como es que agradándome tanto, no lograron ser amigas... tres años, y no les conozco como debería...
Well.. gotta go... my fraternity brothers are going to a fancy dinner and I´m their ride...
lunes, octubre 24, 2005
Responsable, yo?
I am going crazy. Now please, don't get me wrong. I am perfectly aware of how blessed I am. I am a free, happy, healthy person. Life for me is difficult in a whole different way: responsibility.
Responsible... I am responsible for my education, for my family, for leaving a mark on this world... precisely because I am so blessed, I am to be held accountable for what I do with my gold coins. What should I do with them? Am I doing the right thing? when my responsibilities seem to clash, am I going the right way? ... am I being a good sister, living so far away and missing my little siblings' most important years of their development? Or am I being true to God's calling for my life by remaining strong and staying where he has put me? Am I being strong by remaining the president of a fraternity, even though I cannot always give it my 200%, or am I proving weak by not giving my college career the importance it deserves and spending too much time elsewhere? Should I take a more active role in VCM, like I did before? Am I forgetting the importance of my personal goals, or am I doing the right thing in thinking of others when taking decisions? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I being responsible, or am I stretching it? Am I going crazy, as I say, or am I simply avoiding the problem?
This is my last year of college. I have learned so much these past four years. And yet I cannot help wonder if I have met the goal. How well have I done? Have I been the Christian, the friend, the leader, the sister, the daughter, the girlfriend, the fraternity member, the co-worker, the person I told myself (and others) I would be ? Will I leave this place knowing I've made it a better place by having been here? Oh gosh... will I leave this place at all?
Responsible... me? I feel so terribly lost sometimes... so far away from my true self, so far away from my faith, from my personal standards, from that part of me that knows exactly what that Voice is telling her... from that person who hears God's voice and is strong enough to obey it, even when it hurts. How did I end up loosing my balance, how did my feet leave the rock and stepped into the sand? how did I start doubting, how did I start questioning God? how did I stop painting and drawing and writing...? how did I start concealing things from Mom and Dad? when did I stop reading the Bible, and praying for my family, and going to church on a constant basis, and openly learning from others? where did I go? where should I go from here?
I have so much to think about... so many decisions to make, so much to do, I have promises to keep, things to learn. and I have to admit, as simple as all of this might seem, it's these questions that make me hide... but no. I need to get to work. I need to stop the laziness..
... I've been floating... somewhere in between Sunday services, people, and school...
...it has always taken me a while to wake up...
Responsible... I am responsible for my education, for my family, for leaving a mark on this world... precisely because I am so blessed, I am to be held accountable for what I do with my gold coins. What should I do with them? Am I doing the right thing? when my responsibilities seem to clash, am I going the right way? ... am I being a good sister, living so far away and missing my little siblings' most important years of their development? Or am I being true to God's calling for my life by remaining strong and staying where he has put me? Am I being strong by remaining the president of a fraternity, even though I cannot always give it my 200%, or am I proving weak by not giving my college career the importance it deserves and spending too much time elsewhere? Should I take a more active role in VCM, like I did before? Am I forgetting the importance of my personal goals, or am I doing the right thing in thinking of others when taking decisions? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I being responsible, or am I stretching it? Am I going crazy, as I say, or am I simply avoiding the problem?
This is my last year of college. I have learned so much these past four years. And yet I cannot help wonder if I have met the goal. How well have I done? Have I been the Christian, the friend, the leader, the sister, the daughter, the girlfriend, the fraternity member, the co-worker, the person I told myself (and others) I would be ? Will I leave this place knowing I've made it a better place by having been here? Oh gosh... will I leave this place at all?
Responsible... me? I feel so terribly lost sometimes... so far away from my true self, so far away from my faith, from my personal standards, from that part of me that knows exactly what that Voice is telling her... from that person who hears God's voice and is strong enough to obey it, even when it hurts. How did I end up loosing my balance, how did my feet leave the rock and stepped into the sand? how did I start doubting, how did I start questioning God? how did I stop painting and drawing and writing...? how did I start concealing things from Mom and Dad? when did I stop reading the Bible, and praying for my family, and going to church on a constant basis, and openly learning from others? where did I go? where should I go from here?
I have so much to think about... so many decisions to make, so much to do, I have promises to keep, things to learn. and I have to admit, as simple as all of this might seem, it's these questions that make me hide... but no. I need to get to work. I need to stop the laziness..
... I've been floating... somewhere in between Sunday services, people, and school...
...it has always taken me a while to wake up...
viernes, octubre 14, 2005
Fin de semana
Fui a casa : )
Sara me invitó el domingo antepasado. Sus amigos y ella iban a ir a Juárez a la carrera del Chupacabras... asi que me fuí con ellos este fin de semana. Realmente extrañaba estar en casa. Salimos de aquí el viernes a la 1pm, llegamos a casa a la 1am, dormimos, nos levantamos temprano a las 6am, los llevé al sitio de salida para la carrera, y Sara y yo regresamos a mi casa para descansar un poco y esperar a Mamá, que cocinó pollo con espageti y chile poblano, uno de mis favoritos. Fue de lo mejor. Estar en casa me hace mucho bien... ver a mis hermanos, que crecen cada día más, y a mis papás y a mis abuelos y tíos y primos... les extrañaba mucho...
Misael estuvo un poco emocional. Lo malo de ir a casa y llevar personas es que me tengo que dividir... creo que no logré hacerlo a la perfección. Me siento un poco triste al respecto. Preferiría que alguno de mis amigos se sintiera a que Misi se sienta mal... Papá está un poco enfermo... Mamá estaba cansada... pero al fin nos la pasamos bien de cualquier manera, como siempre... y fue un gran respiro de aire fresco para mi.
Mi hermana Sarai esta... super embarazada... es increíble... tiene un apartato extraño, conectado a unos audífonos, que ayuda a escuchar al bebé dentro de ella. Increíble... el pequeño se mueve, y podía escuchar los latidos de su corazón!
Extrañé a Val. No la encontré y no la pude ver. Espero verla en noviembre.
Este fin de semana me voy a Austin... y a Houston. Regionales para Alpha Psi.
Ryan tiene a sus amigos aquí, y fue agradable conocerles. Me sentía un poco enfermita, pero los chicos son muy lindos, y aunque Ryan está un poco estresado, creo que verles le hizo bien. Andrew es un chico que a mi parecer sabe mucho. Un chico educado y agradable. Ryan dice que es tradicional... no se... creo que está justo en el centro. Me agradó mucho. Ty es un chico extrovertido, de sonrisa afable. Fue fácil hablar con él.
Mi auto sirve. Por fin. Estoy emocionada. Ha sido un poco estresante.. y costó dinero... pero tengo carro otra vez.
¿Qué mas? creo que es todo... debo irme pronto. ... de hecho debo irme ya.
Un beso.
Sara me invitó el domingo antepasado. Sus amigos y ella iban a ir a Juárez a la carrera del Chupacabras... asi que me fuí con ellos este fin de semana. Realmente extrañaba estar en casa. Salimos de aquí el viernes a la 1pm, llegamos a casa a la 1am, dormimos, nos levantamos temprano a las 6am, los llevé al sitio de salida para la carrera, y Sara y yo regresamos a mi casa para descansar un poco y esperar a Mamá, que cocinó pollo con espageti y chile poblano, uno de mis favoritos. Fue de lo mejor. Estar en casa me hace mucho bien... ver a mis hermanos, que crecen cada día más, y a mis papás y a mis abuelos y tíos y primos... les extrañaba mucho...
Misael estuvo un poco emocional. Lo malo de ir a casa y llevar personas es que me tengo que dividir... creo que no logré hacerlo a la perfección. Me siento un poco triste al respecto. Preferiría que alguno de mis amigos se sintiera a que Misi se sienta mal... Papá está un poco enfermo... Mamá estaba cansada... pero al fin nos la pasamos bien de cualquier manera, como siempre... y fue un gran respiro de aire fresco para mi.
Mi hermana Sarai esta... super embarazada... es increíble... tiene un apartato extraño, conectado a unos audífonos, que ayuda a escuchar al bebé dentro de ella. Increíble... el pequeño se mueve, y podía escuchar los latidos de su corazón!
Extrañé a Val. No la encontré y no la pude ver. Espero verla en noviembre.
Este fin de semana me voy a Austin... y a Houston. Regionales para Alpha Psi.
Ryan tiene a sus amigos aquí, y fue agradable conocerles. Me sentía un poco enfermita, pero los chicos son muy lindos, y aunque Ryan está un poco estresado, creo que verles le hizo bien. Andrew es un chico que a mi parecer sabe mucho. Un chico educado y agradable. Ryan dice que es tradicional... no se... creo que está justo en el centro. Me agradó mucho. Ty es un chico extrovertido, de sonrisa afable. Fue fácil hablar con él.
Mi auto sirve. Por fin. Estoy emocionada. Ha sido un poco estresante.. y costó dinero... pero tengo carro otra vez.
¿Qué mas? creo que es todo... debo irme pronto. ... de hecho debo irme ya.
Un beso.
miércoles, octubre 05, 2005
...Going home
Yeah... going home, people : ) this Friday ! Sarah, a friend of mine from Victory Campus Ministry is helping some crazy bikers... Friends of hers... to drive to Juarez for the Chupacabras race (si.. es enserio, asi la han llamado)... sooooo... I get to go home with them : )
My sister is six months pregnant, and I'm excited about seeing her. My baby sister has started breaking hearts, my brother is getting better at painball... my Dad is PAINTING THE HOUSE!! ...which I think is amazing. I love him for doing that kind of thing. he's painting it because I'm taking my friends home. so strangely thoughful of him... Im sure he doesn't realize I really don't care... hope he knows I'm proud not be a rich kid. I know he knows there is absolutely no way a wall with the marks of Misael's (my brother) basketball cannot possibly be a bad thing... I'd show it off.. the way Im always telling people about how noisy, and how busy, and how all-over you, and how honest, and scary, and how GREAT my family is. We love that about our family, we all do. and even though he knows all this, he's painting the house. just because my friends are coming. I love him.
Latino Rhythm was good. crazy stuff happened, as usual... I'm gonna start that list I've told Ryan so much about... "Crazy Things I've Put Ryan Through" hehe... all the things I should (but really won't) apologize for. let's see...
** ridiculous AIMs
** conversations about cheese, camels, fries, asymmetric symmetry, past relationships, alumni... oh yeah, and religion
** 2 am dinner...breakfast?
** long, pointless walks ... and j-walking (is that how you spell that??)
** ketchup-less fries
** finally
** "interesting, but fun" bars
** krogger's receipts...
** dry fish
** grammatical horrors
** life threats (not all pronounced by me)
** strange friends
** public dancing
** looOooong speeches... and unfulfilling dinners
** public kissing... lol...
** colds (ok... dont really know if that was me... )
** bad cake
** snoring
** dirty carpet
** bad jazz-listening attention span
** day-dreaming
** me, thinking out-loud ALL the time...
** ridiculous shorts... thongs? ... and strange music at tonight's event... (not worn by me!!)
** Cholula... and the rest of the actors, for that matter...
ok... I'm just gonna stop writing... too much... Ryan, dear. this is not an apology. this is me thinking "out loud"... that's all. I enjoyed them all too much ...couldn't possibly be sorry : ) !
I had a midterm today. It went well. I cant concentrate lately, tho... I need to start doing some daily studying... some serious daily studying... go to Bridwell more often, go out less often. perhaps I'm too much of a social person... "Ay, no, Miss Thinggy..." me dice Joel... yeah... I know I need to sleep more.. I will...I will...
I will. Im going to sleep. night everyone...
My sister is six months pregnant, and I'm excited about seeing her. My baby sister has started breaking hearts, my brother is getting better at painball... my Dad is PAINTING THE HOUSE!! ...which I think is amazing. I love him for doing that kind of thing. he's painting it because I'm taking my friends home. so strangely thoughful of him... Im sure he doesn't realize I really don't care... hope he knows I'm proud not be a rich kid. I know he knows there is absolutely no way a wall with the marks of Misael's (my brother) basketball cannot possibly be a bad thing... I'd show it off.. the way Im always telling people about how noisy, and how busy, and how all-over you, and how honest, and scary, and how GREAT my family is. We love that about our family, we all do. and even though he knows all this, he's painting the house. just because my friends are coming. I love him.
Latino Rhythm was good. crazy stuff happened, as usual... I'm gonna start that list I've told Ryan so much about... "Crazy Things I've Put Ryan Through" hehe... all the things I should (but really won't) apologize for. let's see...
** ridiculous AIMs
** conversations about cheese, camels, fries, asymmetric symmetry, past relationships, alumni... oh yeah, and religion
** 2 am dinner...breakfast?
** long, pointless walks ... and j-walking (is that how you spell that??)
** ketchup-less fries
** finally
** "interesting, but fun" bars
** krogger's receipts...
** dry fish
** grammatical horrors
** life threats (not all pronounced by me)
** strange friends
** public dancing
** looOooong speeches... and unfulfilling dinners
** public kissing... lol...
** colds (ok... dont really know if that was me... )
** bad cake
** snoring
** dirty carpet
** bad jazz-listening attention span
** day-dreaming
** me, thinking out-loud ALL the time...
** ridiculous shorts... thongs? ... and strange music at tonight's event... (not worn by me!!)
** Cholula... and the rest of the actors, for that matter...
ok... I'm just gonna stop writing... too much... Ryan, dear. this is not an apology. this is me thinking "out loud"... that's all. I enjoyed them all too much ...couldn't possibly be sorry : ) !
I had a midterm today. It went well. I cant concentrate lately, tho... I need to start doing some daily studying... some serious daily studying... go to Bridwell more often, go out less often. perhaps I'm too much of a social person... "Ay, no, Miss Thinggy..." me dice Joel... yeah... I know I need to sleep more.. I will...I will...
I will. Im going to sleep. night everyone...
martes, octubre 04, 2005
Borrón y cuenta nueva
So yesterday was the Jewish new year, and today, when the moon comes out, Ramadan will start. A new beginning and a time fore spiritual journey. I've been doing a lot of reading the past few days, and as usual, the readings have made quite an impact on me. I wonder sometimes if my worldview is beautifully fluid or stupidly unstable. In any case, my perception of reality seems to transform and adjust every time new knowledge comes to me, and this makes me think that perhaps no belief at all is sustainable, and therefore worth to be kept. An occasional, but remarkably disturbing idea.
But then I realize that this cannot be true. Whether I have enough wisdom and knowledge to assimilate it as it is or not, reality can only be one. Either the world is flat, or it is round; God either exists, or he doesn’t. Either a belief is sustainable, or it’s not. And since reality is one, there must be one true notion of it. And I am left with the only hope that the changes in my belief system are evolutionary.
They normally do feel like they are. But it is the process in between the change from a specific principle to another that I find myself in danger. Perhaps this is that gray area that Jesus talks about so much in the Gospels… that ambiguous place in human consciousness that lies right after a major challenge, that shallow spot where you cannot find your true belief. When in doubt, I should simply not act. But if I do have to do something, if a decision has to be made, then I do as I wish… not as I believe I should. I do what I think is best for me, not what is right. And more often than not, the right thing to do would have been a much more beneficial option for me…
So what do I do if I’m in doubt, if I cannot find the answer and I have no time to make a choice? Does one let the chance go by, or does one make a choice? Will I have a choice later on if I let this one go? Is there a rule, or does it depend on the situation? Damn… I want to be a kid again… I want to be able to believe blindly, to trust the way I used to…
Life makes that a little hard on me sometimes. I didn’t sleep last night. In fact, I should be studying right now, not trying to figure the world out… not trying to see what my role in it is… but I can’t… I have responsibilities, I have to get things done, I have to make sure people get things done. I have to do things when people don’t get them done… how do you guys say it? The show must go on. Life isn’t gonna stop and wait for me to think things through… and in a way, I’m glad it doesn’t. I need that challenge. Maybe I’ve had too many do-overs. I’ve started all over again too many times.
I had a terribly stressful meeting on Friday. It was my DOP, my Chapter Director. I’m the chapter president this year, and despite the chapter’s great performance, alumni still complain, still worry, still question. And apparently, I am fully, entirely accountable to this chapter director, who has the obligation of going to just one chapter meeting… who hasn’t been to one chapter event. It makes me mad, and to be honest, it did put me in a defensive mood. I remained polite, though even if a little firm. And I must admit that despite the unfairness of the alumni-undergraduate situation, the chapter’s director is trying to help. I do think that it takes more than a simplistic “I’m-in-power” attitude to be a leader. I do not respect uninvolved alumni, but I’m trying to see her questioning as a rough, but honestly concerned attempt to become involved. So I’ll give her a chance. But man, I’m really not liking it…
I don’t always have a problem with authority. Not if I respect the leader, not if I see the leader’s intentions of helping and guiding. Sometimes leadership does not even come along with authority. Sometimes it’s a sincere attempt to point someone into the right direction. Like a guy who has been in a relationship for a long time approaching a friend who is just starting a relationship. Like a nonpretentious girl coming to you asking if you need someone to talk to. Like an alumni offering to help you organize an event. Well... come to think about it, I it is leadership I have no problem with. Perhaps authority has a whole other meaning to it.
I’ve been too busy for it to be healthy. But I’m going home this weekend… which will relieve stress but will make me even busier. Sometimes things like that make no sense, and you still know what the right option is. I wish I had such a love for my vocation that I knew what I want to do with my life, even if it didn’t make sense. I miss my family so terribly. I miss my old self.
That’s one of the things I like about my relationship with Ryan. It has helped me remember the person I really am. It has taken me back to the willingness to do things right, even if it doesn’t always happen that way. I haven’t seen Ryan since Sunday. He is a little sick, and I am going crazy with midterms and papers and church and Alpha Psi. I miss him a little bit, but not seeing me has for some reason made it seem less of a surreal experience. I’m a little scared. Last time I thought a guy was too good to be true… well, he was too good to be true. And what will I do when school ends? What if I have to leave? But despite all the questions I always ask, I’m excited about it too… want to see where all of this takes us. I want to enjoy his company, and really get to know him better.
But then I realize that this cannot be true. Whether I have enough wisdom and knowledge to assimilate it as it is or not, reality can only be one. Either the world is flat, or it is round; God either exists, or he doesn’t. Either a belief is sustainable, or it’s not. And since reality is one, there must be one true notion of it. And I am left with the only hope that the changes in my belief system are evolutionary.
They normally do feel like they are. But it is the process in between the change from a specific principle to another that I find myself in danger. Perhaps this is that gray area that Jesus talks about so much in the Gospels… that ambiguous place in human consciousness that lies right after a major challenge, that shallow spot where you cannot find your true belief. When in doubt, I should simply not act. But if I do have to do something, if a decision has to be made, then I do as I wish… not as I believe I should. I do what I think is best for me, not what is right. And more often than not, the right thing to do would have been a much more beneficial option for me…
So what do I do if I’m in doubt, if I cannot find the answer and I have no time to make a choice? Does one let the chance go by, or does one make a choice? Will I have a choice later on if I let this one go? Is there a rule, or does it depend on the situation? Damn… I want to be a kid again… I want to be able to believe blindly, to trust the way I used to…
Life makes that a little hard on me sometimes. I didn’t sleep last night. In fact, I should be studying right now, not trying to figure the world out… not trying to see what my role in it is… but I can’t… I have responsibilities, I have to get things done, I have to make sure people get things done. I have to do things when people don’t get them done… how do you guys say it? The show must go on. Life isn’t gonna stop and wait for me to think things through… and in a way, I’m glad it doesn’t. I need that challenge. Maybe I’ve had too many do-overs. I’ve started all over again too many times.
I had a terribly stressful meeting on Friday. It was my DOP, my Chapter Director. I’m the chapter president this year, and despite the chapter’s great performance, alumni still complain, still worry, still question. And apparently, I am fully, entirely accountable to this chapter director, who has the obligation of going to just one chapter meeting… who hasn’t been to one chapter event. It makes me mad, and to be honest, it did put me in a defensive mood. I remained polite, though even if a little firm. And I must admit that despite the unfairness of the alumni-undergraduate situation, the chapter’s director is trying to help. I do think that it takes more than a simplistic “I’m-in-power” attitude to be a leader. I do not respect uninvolved alumni, but I’m trying to see her questioning as a rough, but honestly concerned attempt to become involved. So I’ll give her a chance. But man, I’m really not liking it…
I don’t always have a problem with authority. Not if I respect the leader, not if I see the leader’s intentions of helping and guiding. Sometimes leadership does not even come along with authority. Sometimes it’s a sincere attempt to point someone into the right direction. Like a guy who has been in a relationship for a long time approaching a friend who is just starting a relationship. Like a nonpretentious girl coming to you asking if you need someone to talk to. Like an alumni offering to help you organize an event. Well... come to think about it, I it is leadership I have no problem with. Perhaps authority has a whole other meaning to it.
I’ve been too busy for it to be healthy. But I’m going home this weekend… which will relieve stress but will make me even busier. Sometimes things like that make no sense, and you still know what the right option is. I wish I had such a love for my vocation that I knew what I want to do with my life, even if it didn’t make sense. I miss my family so terribly. I miss my old self.
That’s one of the things I like about my relationship with Ryan. It has helped me remember the person I really am. It has taken me back to the willingness to do things right, even if it doesn’t always happen that way. I haven’t seen Ryan since Sunday. He is a little sick, and I am going crazy with midterms and papers and church and Alpha Psi. I miss him a little bit, but not seeing me has for some reason made it seem less of a surreal experience. I’m a little scared. Last time I thought a guy was too good to be true… well, he was too good to be true. And what will I do when school ends? What if I have to leave? But despite all the questions I always ask, I’m excited about it too… want to see where all of this takes us. I want to enjoy his company, and really get to know him better.
sábado, octubre 01, 2005
Cooking, walking, dancing... and all that jazz...
I've made a lot of mistakes. I've gotten hurt, I've hurt others... and I'm done with ridiculous, unnecesary problems. There are good and bad things about this relationship. The good side of it is him. I'm always telling him he is trouble, but he's not. He is the exact opposite. He's the kind of guy who walks all the way to a dorm and then back to his place each night just so I won't walk by myself in the dark. He's the guy dancing with me in front of an auditorium full of Hispanic people and doesn't care and still has fun. He's the friend I talk to when I need to vent about a long day. He's the spontaneous joker, the intelligent conversator, the amazing kisser. He's the time in the day when I relax and feel like myself again. And speaking of time.. I'm supposed to be sleeping now... I haven't been able to sleep this week. so much to think about... so much to do... and just a few hours in the day... I want to cook, and walk, and dance, and get in trouble... but no, I'm gonna go to sleep instead. I'm gonna try, at least... it is so late...