Writer's block

Ok... I give. I like him. and I said I was gonna stay out of trouble. I did... for what ..two weeks? We had dinner together last night. We both cooked, and two of my friends came over to eat and left right away. I lost, by the way. Took me two hours to get the fish done... didn't come out all that great either. I say it would've been so much better if the fish had been whole... lol... at least that's my story. I'm sticking to it : ) ! After an hour of salsa-dancing lessons, we went out for some ice cream... and he finally kissed me. So there. We're both in trouble. But he was holding my hand last night, and I felt safe, for the first time in a very, very long time. Writer's block. I get it now.

De todo un poco

Rush terminó. Finalmente. Después de nueve eventos consecutivos, uno detrás del otro... necesitábamos descansar. Me dá gusto porque ahora es tiempo para el chapter. Podemos planear nuestro Formal. Podemos hacer servicio comunitario. Podemos hacer muchas cosas más.
Well, other from that, I think the week has passed by pretty fast. All the normal stuff (school, church, A'Psi) and some other things... No he dormido mucho esta semana. Por culpa de dos ensayos, una clase de filosofía, y un nuevo amigo. Esta semana decidí leer y estudiar como es debido, y he trabajado duro para reponerme de la semana anterior. Anoche estudié con un grupo de amigos, y un chico con el que salí el fin de semana pasado me llamó mientras mis amigos y yo estudiábamos. Se nos unió, pero la verdad es que yo estaba algo incómoda. Cuando el chico iba de vuelta a casa, intentó besarme... le dije que no... pero luego me quedé pensando: I was smiling when I said "Sorry, man... can't do this." "What... why? You can't kiss me?" and I just grabbed him by the shoulder, turned him around, and pushed him. "I'll see you around" I said. He kept walking, but turned his face to me... he was confused, but still smiling. "ok... see you around." he stared for a second and then he left. WHY did I think it was comical? Why was I smiling? ... and then I didn't really give it a second thought. I said no, and I didn't take it seriously (at all), and I didn't feel bad for the boy (granted, we went on two dates, but I usually still feel horrible!), and I went back to the lab where my friends were studying and kept reading... and now I'm thinking... what is wrong with me? I don't get attached to people so easily any more, and I wonder if it's really such a great thing... I smiled... !!
Grandfather called me yesterday too. No lo hace muy seguido. Me preocupé un poco. Me pidió que orara por mi tío Darío, por su familia, y por él y mi abuela. Ultimamente ha estado un poco estresado, y bueno, no es bueno que un hombre de su edad se preocupe tanto. Seguiré orando... le llamé a mi tío ese mismo día... fé, hay que tener fé.
Esta semana hice un buen amigo. Le he visto mucho... hoy fuimos (Yuritza, él, y yo) a ver una película que la escuela presentó, y después intentamos estudiar. Terminamos en la terraza del Student Center, platicando de todo un poco. Si logro encontrar quien me lleve de compras (mi carro sigue descompuesto), mañana será día de cocina. Vamos a cocinar en casa de Aleks. He estado esperando toda la semana... dos semanas de piso limpio y mi orgullo culinario están en peligro... veremos... si hace espageti está muerto : ) le gano con la mano en la cintura!
I've been busy this week. Haven't gone running ...at all. The Dedman center opens tomorrow, though... I'll go check it out this weekend. I'm trying to get back on track. Getting organized, reading for all my classes, researching jobs/grad schools, putting my emotions together, staying in touch with my family, fixing my car's battery and getting insurance... got lots to do bf I can say I'm back on track. I need to make sure I don't loose focus again... it's just a little hard with so many distractions! ... I need my sanity, though... can't have too much of a good time. I promise I won't work too much either. We had CHAS meeting today, and Fernando had to take the sign-up sheets from me so I didn't get so involved. then dinner with the chapter, then dinner with the NO students, then the academic session (well...), then chapter, then movie time (Corpse Bride... cute, but gloomy... ), then "studying". Fer wanted me to go dancing with him.... I REALLY wanted to go... but no, I needed to read and sleep. and I did... and I will...
So much has happened in such short time... need to slow down a little bit...
alright... Im gonna go sleep, that's what Im gonna do...

Como si no pasara nada...

Me parece que me he desprendido por completo de mi propia realidad.

Han sido tres semanas espantosas. Dos ensayos la primera semana, el comienzo de Rush para mi fraternidad, como cinco o seis juntas de MGC, y un encuentro inesperado con cierto pastor al que no habia visto desde hacia tiempo. La segunda semana tuvimos dos eventos, trabajo/escuela hasta las 8 todas las noches, mi carro me hiso una jugada, dos noches sin dormir. La semana pasada, un buen fin de semana, pero lo pague con una semana de dias sin noches: dos ensayos, una fiesta que organizar, un servicio comunitario, un car-wash frustrado... mejor dejemoslo asi. El punto es que no he dormido bien, no he comido bien, al parecer no he estudiado bien (hoy me regresaron tres ensayos, dos Bs y una A-), y no he dibujado o pintado en solo-Dios-sabe cuanto tiempo. Ah, y estoy en la quiebra.

Y sinembargo me siento bien. Los chicos de la fraternidad han trabajado duro, y todo ha valido la pena. Y la escuela se ha vuelto un poco rutinaria, pero la rutina me ha dado cierto control y no me deja olvidar que no estoy aqui solamente por la escuela, que la vida real es mejor que los libros. Y me siento bien porque he aprendido mucho de mi de los que me rodean, y estoy satisfecha con lo que he hecho. Asi que estoy cansada, y un poco confundida, pero no puedo quejarme: tengo la suerte de ser feliz.

It's the simple details that make up life's greatness, no es cierto? Son los eventuales, sorpresivos rayos de luz que despiertan la vista, como si fuese de man~ana, los que an~aden sabor a la vida. Son las amistades inesperadas, las platicas rebundantes, los buenos libros, los pies humedos, los ensayos terminados : ), los abrazos de un amigo, the follow-up questions, las respuestas honestas, las miradas que observan, la gente que escucha, y no solamente oye... la lluvia... los arboles de noche, las comidas a destiempo... la buena musica!! ... y no, no puedo quejarme, no seria justo, porque disfruto de todo esto

Anoche fue una de aquellas veladas extran~as. Estuve platicando con un amigo mio por un buen tiempo (... y otra vez, olvide conservar la conversacion...) y mientras hablaba con el, otro chico intento llamarme. Son tres chicos los que han intentado esta semana, pero este es el mas persistente. O el mas obvio.. no se cual es la palabra. Es un buen chico, guapo, estudioso. Un buen amigo. Pero me gustaria que fueramos solo amigos. No se como decirle... y bueno, el caso de todo este palabrerio es que queria evadirlos, a el y al otro chico que tambien empezo a mandarme AIMs, y el pobre de Ryan termino pagando las consecuencias. Todo lo que el habia hecho era hablar de queso, de idiotas, y de estudiantes locas. Pero en fin, el pobre tuvo que pagar el precio de buenas conversaciones conmigo. Lo hice caminar hasta Taco Bell, que estaba cerrado, y luego a Burger King, que tambien estaba cerrado. Despues de deambular por las calles como nin~os perdidos, terminamos ordenando de la ventanilla!! la primera vez que ordeno de la ventanilla, andando! Comimos en las mesas de un cafe que ya habia cerrado, con cierto temor a la posibilidad de un guardia enfurecido, y con la sorpresa de que el conversador ahora tenia cara y voz.

Yo la pase muy bien. Fue una velada rara, una pequen~a aventura. Caminata erratica por Mockingbird con Arely, el descubrimiento de una largartija tejana, dos cruces de calle ilicitos, cena furtiva a la una de la man~ana... de comida chatarra... y platicas raras sobre religion... Despues de todo esto agradezco que mi amigo tenga un gusto por las occurrencias extran~as de la gente.

Asi que ahi esta mi ejemplo de los detalles raros, simples, espontaneos de la vida, que la hacen tan unica y grandiosa. Los amigos.

Dance it all away...

Exactly what I did last Friday... I just danced it all away. I had such a great time! I needed it, after all the stress of talking with the bar manager, and getting the sercurity people to ID the twenty people that were waiting to come in... after all the papers from last week, two consecutive all-nighters, a boy-reality check, my car breaking down (again), a "faith crisis" (as Sarah so kindly called it), and a terrible argument with my father... yes, I NEEDED to dance. Alpha Psi Lambda Party @ Little Havana... most of my great friends, my frat brothers and sisters, and lots of faces I hadn't seen in a year. God, I missed the good times!

My friend Janie has taken in a 17 yr-old homeless boy. That amazing, crazy girl decided it wasn't fair for a hard-working kid to be kicked out of his foster home solely on the ground of religious disagreement. She took him in. It is because of people like her that I still feel somewhat connected to the world. My friends. And the people worth admiring. People who care. I found the strangest question on a Facebook page. It quotes: "I wish SMU had more people like that...I'm like where are the people that don't give a shit." To an extent, I'm a little jealous. The boy has it pretty easy... there's lots of them laid-back people, everywhere. I think that letting go and deciding you simply don't care anymore is much simpler than straightout dealing with a problem, much easier than deciding you do care and fighting what you don't like. There's not enough people who care. Not enough people willing to give of their time, and effort, and even emotional sanity, for the sake of someone else, or for the sake of doing something about it when you know there's something wrong. Janie is one of them. She's doing something about it. She is strong enough to care.

So I'm like, where are the people who do care? I had stopped caring too. Need to get back on track... where did my life's structure go? where's the strong, self-sufficient, hard-minded girl? Silly thing fell for the wrong guy, twice, and started rationalizing. Good thing he stepped back. Of all things, I never thought I'd have ridiculous problems like this one. I don't date, I don't mess around with people. I stay away... or I did. Three years of drama-free college life. Purely academic problems, nothing but friends and family. And then this. I have to be more careful. Perhaps staying away wasn't such a bad idea.

So this next week/end is it. I'm facing the problem... college will be over soon, gotta start making some choices. I'm sitting down and doing research and applying for grad-schools (and scholarships) and jobs. Might have to get a grant. Might teach and save, then go back to school. I had considered going back home for a semester. I feel it's such a coward idea, but I miss my family terribly....

I think this Friday I'm gonna cook it all away : )

Posting something personal for the first time

I made a new friend a couple weeks ago. He has introduced me to this blogging idea, and I have to admit I find it to be quite a challenging experience. An online journal is just that: a public record of one's personal life. I have had a journal before. I'm just a little concerned about making it public. I am unsure as to how open I can be, since I will be writing with the constant awareness that I might actually have an audience... pretty scary. Yet at the same time I realize that this might help me organize my thoughts and stay true to myself. After all, life itself is public, and perhaps a little insight will explain a lot. I've always believed in transparency, but aren't we all subject to interpretation?
Two warnings: First, I write both in English and Spanish. It makes it easier for me, and after all, I think I am writing this for purely selfish reasons : ) ... for me, for my friends, for my family... if you were meant to know it, you'll probably hear it from me before realizing you need a Spanish-English dictionary. And second: please, take it all with a grain of salt. This is, after all, a first-person point of view, and is charged with all the pros and cons of an insider's perspective.
So there, that's my introduction. I'm going to try to concentrate on my essay now. I'm still wondering what my main argument for this paper really is... and believe me, that's not a good thing.